On Being a Scary Woman!

Today’s topic is all about being a scary woman. This thought came about because one of my coaching clients was coming to the end of her coaching, and as we were doing the feedback and the wrap-up. She commented that, at the beginning of the programme, she'd regarded me as a scary woman. 

Her knowledge of me was that I was scary, and she was a bit scared and a bit apprehensive about having coaching with me. As it turned out, she told me, the coaching had been really valuable. She'd loved working with me and all was good. 

However, it left me thinking because I've also had this feedback for many years that I'm a scary woman. Twenty years ago, being thought scary, really, really hurt because I didn't know how to do differently. 

Now, I'm older and wiser and, hey, if people find me scary, they find me scary. I'm not going to change it now. But it did have me thinking about what does it mean for a woman to be thought scary? What do you do if you are thought scary even if you're not a scary woman? But do you know women who are, or what might be going on there? 

I’ve been thought to be scary for a long time. Actually, I can remember my mum telling me that. To make this clear, my mum was a very brave, courageous, adventurous woman. If she hadn't wanted children and got married, she would have ended up somewhere near the top of the Women's Army Nursing Corps. 

In her generation, you couldn't be there. You couldn't be married if you're in the army. I remember my mum saying to me, "Dear, you have to be careful. You're very scary and you'll scare off the men." Women couldn't be powerful in my mother's eyes, although she was a powerful woman in her own right, because it would scare off the men. 

Women as role models

There's something in our culture, in our society, that dictates women who they should be or what they should act. Certainly for women of my mum's class and generation, as she was born in the early '20s, that you must not scare people.  

You must not be a powerful woman. You must not come across as somebody who's going to scare off the men.

When I was growing up, in the '60s mostly, there weren't many powerful women role models in public life. I remember Barbara Castle. She was a minister. There were occasionally ministers in government. There was the odd actress, but the role models weren't there. Back then, the concept of a powerful woman was quite hard to get your head round. It's different now, thank God. 

There are many more role models for young women growing up. There are women in politics. There are women in law, medicine, and in the public eye. Wherever you look, there are some really good role models. There are some really rubbish role models, as well, and we'll come to that in a moment. There are more role models now.

But the question is what's wrong with a woman being powerful because that's really what it's all about? As if there's something inherently wrong about being a woman who is powerful and passionate and has a certain energy. There's something wrong about it because women aren't supposed to be like that. Even now, women aren't supposed to be like that, still in many areas. 

At times, we seem to judge people based on their gender. A man can be authoritative. A woman, she’s scary. That man, he has an attitude of command. That woman, she’s too shrill. There's still judgments in our society about what power a woman looks like because they are women.

Underneath the scariness

One of the things that I have also been reflecting on, because I've coached quite a few scary women in my time, is what is it that's underneath the scariness? What is it? 

There are some women who are very quietly powerful, and they don't feel less scary. There are some of us who are noisily powerful, and we feel less scary. So what might be going on? I think there's a huge link between power and vulnerability in this context. We hear a lot about vulnerability now and how it's important to be vulnerable.

For a lot of women, being vulnerable, certainly in the teenage years, implied danger. It was a dangerous thing to be. You don't want to be vulnerable because, firstly, what might people think?

There’s an implication that when you’re vulnerable it means you are wounded, or you’re opening yourself up for getting wounded. As what vulnerable literally means, it comes from the Latin word ‘vulnus’ meaning ‘a wound’ and ‘vulnerare’ which means ‘to wound’. 

Masking up vulnerability

Well, none of us want that. If we look at what's been going on with the demonstrations about women's rights to be safe, none of us want to be vulnerable in that way. We don't want to be open to attack. But there is something about being vulnerable, being open about talking about our fears, our joys, our loves, so that people can connect with us.

We're almost educated into putting up the mask, into not quite showing because, when you put up the mask, you can appear tough, you can appear strong, and nobody's going to get me. As a woman, nobody's going to attack me. Vulnerability is so important for connection. It's so important for building trust, and we shouldn't have to hide away or shy away from vulnerability because of fear that it might cause us to be wounded. 

I think for a lot of women, there's a scariness factor. Either we're taught that it's not okay to be vulnerable because it's dangerous. Or we're taught it's not okay to be vulnerable because then we will look weak, and we don't want to be weak women, do we? But do we even know what vulnerability looks like?

I know, certainly it was something that was true for me.  Probably 15 years ago, I had a business partner. He was a guy and he kept telling me, "Jane, you need to be more vulnerable." I began, "What are you talking about? I am vulnerable. I share about my clinical depression. I share I was bullied at school. I share this, I share that. I am vulnerable. What are you talking about?" Back then, I didn't really know what it was, and it was a kind of energy that I didn't know how to access. 

I think that's true for quite a few women who are labelled as scary, putting on the mask because actually we don't know how to access that level of vulnerability. Some women don't even know that they're powerful. Some women don't even know that their energy is so strong because, when you live inside yourself, how would you know? How do I know that my energy is so strong? People tell me, but they tell me from where they sit. I remember being told that I was too fiery when I'm up on stage presenting, and I didn't quite get it. It's just too much fire, too much passion. 

I thought, there's something about it that we have to change. There are times when we need to moderate our passion, when we need to match the energy as powerful women. We need to match the energy of those around us. If they're not at that energy level as yours, if they don't feel that passion, that force, it's really easy to become too powerful and therefore scary for them.

We've all met people, been in the presence of people, that you think, oh no, my God, that person is just too much. So, how do we moderate our energy to match the people around us without being weak, without being inauthentic, without being untrue to who we are? That to me is another danger.

Understanding vulnerability

When you acknowledge that you're powerful and scary, how can you still be true to yourself? How can you express yourself? Is vulnerability, when I'm vulnerable, being authentic because I'm powerful?

There's an awful lot of questions for women who have power, who are described as too powerful or too scary. For me, part of the journey really has been developing vulnerability and understanding that vulnerability doesn't mean putting yourself at risk.

Vulnerability doesn't mean being weak. You can be powerful, but you can be vulnerable and the real truth is that, when you step into that place of vulnerability, you step into that place of being able to own who you are. You are able to own the good bits, as well as the bad bits. You are able to flex your energy a little more. When we step into that space, then we start to be able to express vulnerability. 

The gift of vulnerability

The real gift of vulnerability is showing true vulnerability. I'm not talking about the kind of victim martyr vulnerability that some people do display. When we do express that vulnerability that really comes from the heart, from a true place, an authentic place, the gift that we get is connection.

If you're out there and you sometimes feel that it's not right to be vulnerable or it's not right to show your power, then go ahead, show your power, show your vulnerability. If you're a woman who occasionally gets called scary or even gets called scary a lot, yeah, celebrate. It's good to be scary. 

What do you think about this? Do you find scary women scary? Do you find powerful women scary? Are you powerful women? Do people find you scary? What do you feel about this whole question of women stepping into their power?